Ask the Doctor

Congratulation! Its a blessing that your husband will finally becoming home. That being said, he should submit his SSI application 30 days upon his release. Also he needs to find a few programs that offer psyche evaluations and therapy. Recommend that he makes sure Psychiatrist diagnose him with PTSD and his disability makes almost impossible for him to work. Its an attorney by the name of Bryan Stevenson he has a book published title “Just Mercy” he provided allot of statistical information about the Trauma cause by incarceration. I recommend you and your husband read this book. It will really broaden your perspective on the complexity of incarceration, the challenge you may face with your husbands reentry and it shows you the power of humanity.

Note: I’m finding that SSI applicants who use legal services to structure and submit their application more than likely get their applications granted and they get granted sooner than later.
You might want to look online for a low cost attorney who understands the ends and outs of the SSI application and its criterion.

Pray all goes well with you and your husband.

Much Love and Respect

Dear Angel,

Your dilemma isn’t out of the norm. It’s common for individuals like yourself to fall victim to time and space and abandon a love one who is incarcerated. Personally it’s happens far to much in my opinion but it is what it is… Before I advice you on how to re-engage your Ex. I want you to first and foremost understand his position ahead of time this will give you a better insight on why your approach should come from a genuine place. Also this will allow you to decide whether or not your really ready for the adversities you may face striving to regain this mans trust and love.
From your missive I sense this man loved you equally once upon a time, therefore the same emotional conflict you are now facing is the exact same turmoil he endured during your untimely exit. Loneliness and hurt consumed him when he lost your love and support. So much so that it may have turned into anger and hate. I’m pretty sure if you two go to the same church you two must have share a circle of friends who 9 times our of 10 informed him that you had gotten pregnant by another man. Finding this out by someone other than yourself most likely pushed him into the abyss of heartbreak.
Once you have taken this sincerely into consideration, and you decide you still want to approach him. Here’s my recommendation:
First if you love him as you claim, regardless if your romantic relationship is salvageable, focus on what should be important to you above all… having a relationship i.e. at least a friendship. Send him an invitation to meet you somewhere public, try to make it some where special, where he can see that you really put some thought into this meeting, make sure it’s a place where you two can talk like a museum, the local aquarium or a boat ride on the lake. Next apologize from your heart, without making any excuses. The worst thing you can do is apologize and yet in the same sentence say “But.” For example: “I know I shouldn’t have just left you without explaining myself you deserved more, ‘but’ I never dealt with anyone in prison before I didn’t expect them to send you so far away.” This just leave room for argument and debate when you claim you’re wrong there’s no need for the word “but.” At the end of the day your taking responsibility for your own actions, your goal is receiving his forgiveness. It’s far to late for excuses and explanations so steer clear of them.
If and when he accepts your apology, be willing to prove you’re worthy of his trust and love. Even if you have to do a little bending over backwards. If you love this man, then he should be worth eating some humble pie and going the extra mile. That’s what love is really about sacrificing pride and going above and beyond to express it. Just be mindful, forgiving someone takes a second, letting something go is a process, forgetting i.e. something that once caused you pain may and can take a life time. Simply put never lose sight of the fact that even if he forgives you it doesn’t mean he’s forgotten about how you once hurt him, but with time love heals all things. My prayers are with you and I wishing you the best of luck.

Note: For those of you who may be dealing with the same situation as Angel. My advice to you is don’t wait till your love one comes home. Try repairing the damage you may have cause now, while the world isn’t surround your love one’s heart and mind. You’ll definitely will have a better chance at mending their broken heart now than later.

Dear Daren,

Trust me, your not going through anything different than most men. Therefore in your fiance defense I like to say, she’s only looking out for your best interest. Often time women tend to be more cautions, when it comes to making decision that lack certainty. They believe in being prepared for rainy days, saving money for unexpected events and investing into things that have a high success rate for a profit. Therefore her pessimistic view toward your goal is her way of saying “You might want to second guess this venture honey.” Now she maybe coming off some what a little to harsh, with her opinion and critiques, which most likely is what’s rubbing you the wrong way. But I genuinely don’t think she’s trying to have you believe she doesn’t believe in you. But if your right I want you to know this:

“When a woman becomes indifferent or critical. and cease to be an inspiration to her husband, he misses the stimulus of their early relationship and is restless and unhappy.”
Excerpt from- The Game of life and How to Play it
by Florence Scovel Shinn (1925)

What Mr.Shinn is saying is: men are often times are inspire to do the impossible based on the love his woman provides him. Her love can make a man reach new heights, lay his life on the line and be everything she needs. When a man feels as if his significant other doesn’t believe in, he consciously relates that to: She doesn’t love him or she isn’t loving him to the degree in which he feels he loves her. ‘The Game of life and How to play it’ has a chapter on ‘Love’, you and your fiance should read this together. Sit her down and let your fiance know that “She is the wind beneath your wings and the tie that binds you.” Let her know that as long as you have her by your side, its nothing you feel you can’t accomplish. If this wasn’t so there’s a good chance would of been returned to prison. Get her to understand that her lack of faith is hurting you, in more ways then one. Explain to her that over coming the obstacles that come with re-entry isn’t easy and that people constantly doubting you is the side effects of being a ex-felon. Explain that your constantly fighting to prove yourself to the outside world and that its hurtful when you have to do the same thing with the one person who supposed to believe in you above all others. In any relationship communication is key and as a man, at times that isn’t our strong suit. But at the end of the day you want your fiance to understand that you need her love, as well as her support and if and when you plan is coming up short, let her know you would appreciate it if she help you make it full proof.

Dear S.Dot,

One of the biggest problems, I see amongst men who have been incarcerated for a extensive amount of time is… their ability to lose sight of where they came from quicker than it took them to leave their past circumstance. You just spent 18 years under the “primary care” of the penal system. A system where most of the people who run it don’t care two cent about you and or what your going through. Yet you never had any hang ups about who was paying for the light bill, water bill and putting a roof over your head. But when the woman you love (and obviously this women loves you.) is doing it, you experiencing a emotional complex about your manhood. How quickly we forget about the place you just left. Where the most money you made at your institutional job was $50-to-$60 dollars and how contributing that hard earned money to anything that would make your girlfriend smile, would fill you with immeasurable amounts of joy. (Remember that!) It took you 18 years to know and experience what it feels like when one believes he is less than a man functioning as a law abiding citizen. Men around the world go through this everyday simply because it what some men must face as productive hard working citizens.
Because they know by way of your past experience that getting in the game could cost them the rest of their live’s be it in the grave or in the penitentiary. Therefore my advice to you is: Stop allowing your momentary emotional struggles i.e. ‘Ego’ to cause you to make a decision that will potentially hurt the woman you love and devalue all that you has been through and should know. Those two little girls deserve to have a man in their immediate life who will show them the meaning of what a man is when face with adversity and you can be that man. Simply put, no one should sacrifice 18 years of their life in search of freedom and six months later even contemplate placing it in jeopardy.
” Freedom is not a liberty that every being will experience. Yet struggle by one means or another is promised to all living things…”
That being so, the man who faces his struggles with intelligence, poise, and strength is far ‘more a man’ than one who doesn’t. Your in my prayers S.Dot and I know that you can and will persevere.

Much love and Respect, Dr.Jay